Feeling Like You've Got Something To Prove?
All you have to prove to me is you know your way around an air fryer.
As a college student, an undisclosed amount of years ago, I walked into a room with a long white folding table, chairs surrounding all sides and just a few other college students sitting down with a respectable one chair between them. It was my first college small group. The leader came in, introducing herself as Lauren and started passing out the book we’d work through.
Now, I don’t remember the name of the book because as everyone who’s ever been in a Bible study with required reading knows - I only read the book 30 minutes before I was supposed to be at the group. But what I do remember is an illustration.
What To Know
The book encouraged us to look at our hearts as a house. Every room in your house has a purpose. Your kitchen is for cooking, your living room is for watching TV, reading on the couch. Your bedrooms are for sleeping, bathrooms are for...you get the point. And obviously, in most homes, some rooms are for everyone to see and some are for no one to see. For example, the back room of my house that serves as the home for everything I don’t know what to do with. We just pull that door closed whenever anyone comes to visit. At the very least, you have a junk drawer, full of old pens, rubber bands and the gift card that still has .37 cents on it.
Why do we guard these spaces, keeping them out of sight? Well, on the base level, we don’t want anyone to see our mess. We want to control what they see of us because we want to control what they believe about us.
On a deeper level, we carry shame. The existence of the clutter makes us believe we’ve fallen short in some way. We’re afraid the outside is a reflection of the inside.
We don’t want to explain, so we close the door.
What’s at the root of the shame? Insecurity.
Even the word makes me squirm. If I’m honest, I want to shut the computer, pretend it doesn’t exist.
Because what sits guarded by a closed door in my house reflects the barricaded door in my heart.
What occupies this room I so closely guard? Words. Most spoken in-passing, but used to form beliefs. Deep-rooted, heart-shaping beliefs.
Do you know the words I’m talking about? I think maybe you’ve heard them, too:
“You try too hard.”
“You aren’t trying hard enough.”
“Watch your weight.”
“You’re too confident.”
“You’re intimidating.”
“Stop being so emotional.”
“Don’t ask so many questions.”
This room is a favorite of the Enemy.
I would venture to guess you have this room, but it may look a little different. I invited others to speak into what these closed off spaces look like for them. I asked, “How does insecurity show itself in your life?” Here are some of your responses:
Sara wrote about being a minority in her workplace, saying, “I feel like I don’t belong. All I see is how I don’t deserve to be there.”
Laura shared, “I don’t like looking in the mirror. At its worst, one wrong look can set the tone for how I interact with the world all day.”
Kelley said insecurity shows up in her reflexive defensiveness, deflecting a deep or hard look at herself with humor.
Alicia spoke of the paralysis. The desire to shut down and just do nothing at all.
Rachel mentioned sometimes when others win, it feels like there won’t be enough for her.
Holly talked of the impact it has on her marriage, how one small comment can send her into
a spiral.
Jennie Allen describes it this way...
If I were your enemy, this is what I would do:
Make you believe you need permission to lead.
Make you believe you are helpless.
Make you believe you are insignificant.
Make you believe that God wants your decorum and behavior.
...
If I were your enemy, I would make you numb and distract you from God’s story.
As we walk the hallways of our heart, seeing the wall of photos depicting God’s kindness and faithfulness, sitting comfortably in His presence dreaming and asking for His favor in all the “could be” we desire for the generations behind us, this room in the back stays closed off. Cracking open on the days God sends us out. After the gentle reminder, “I am with you always, even to the ends of the earth,” we’re ready to carry His glory, but our boldness deflates as we catch sight of the light on under the door.
The reminder of what sits just a turn of a knob away: All the reasons why God could not possibly want to be with us. Working through us.
Highlights of inadequacy to point to eternity.
Sometimes, I want to reverse earn His faithfulness. Like I can do enough to deserve what He’s done.
But real, lasting confidence, comes from obedience. The certainty you are taking faithful steps in His direction.
And His only request of us is obedience. All other requirements are man-made...
me-made.
The greatest obstacle to obedience? Distraction.
Jennie wrote more about this work of the Enemy in our hearts:
Technology, social media, Netflix, travel, food and wine, comfort.
I would not tempt you with notably bad things, or you would get suspicious.
I would distract you with everyday comforts that slowly feed you a different story and make you forget God.
Then you would dismiss the Spirit leading you, loving you, and comforting you. Then you would start to love comfort more than surrender and obedience and souls.
No one likes a three-show New Girl binge more than me. A moment, or two, to slow the rush of thoughts and feelings all scrambling for my attention.
But these reprieves can be deceiving. Offering up a diversion from our obedience, masked as a comfort we deserve.
Relief at the price of muting the Holy Spirit.
Ask yourself: Why am I saying, “Yes, I’m still watching”, pouring another glass, scrolling another hour, eating another serving? Are these yes’s keeping me from His yes?
Maybe your insecurities don’t drive you to hide. Maybe they drive you to justify all you deserve by the work you put in.
We celebrate what others are doing less.
We criticize what others are doing more.
The equation becomes a failure for you means a success for me.
If we can just prove we are valuable, maybe we wouldn’t feel like this.
Listen to how Jennie describes it,
If I were your Enemy, I would attack your identity. I would make you believe you had to prove yourself.
Then you would focus on yourself instead of God.
Friends would become enemies.
Teammates would become competition.
You would isolate yourself and think you are not enough.
You would get depressed and be ungrateful for your story.
Or —
You would compare and believe you are better than others.
You would judge people who need God.
You would condemn them rather than love and invite them in.
You would gossip and destroy and tear down other works of God.
Either way you would lose your joy, because your eyes would be fixed on yourself and people instead of on Jesus.
When we show people only what we want them to see - we will never be truly seen.
If we worship at the altar of performance, aching to prove we’re worthy to be seen - we will never be truly seen.
Instead, we will be looking so hard at ourselves that the hearts of those aching for someone to tell them about the One who can restore, who can heal, will remain broken.
Chalk one up for the Enemy.
When we’re aching to prove ourselves, we’ve lost sight of our purpose. We’ve forgotten the threads of passion and gifting woven into us carefully and specifically by the Creator who knows us best.
Psalm 139 says,
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
In the quietness of His workshop, God saw all that would bring me to life. He saw the hearts of insecure, imperfect people carrying burdens that shaped them way before I took my first breath. He knew the wounds they would speak out of that would open new wounds in me.
He saw the past, but He also saw the future.
He saw the hard days before they were hard.
The hurt before it hurt.
The betrayal before the betrayal.
The fear before the fear.
Where I would only see the dark, He saw all the ways He would be light.
He saw all the ways He would be faithful.
And he picked the strands of thread I would need to walk through every season.
A spool of softness to create a heart that is quick to forgive.
Sturdy strands of resilience to carefully hold the fragile feelings of others.
A length of passion for the next generation.
Twine to bind His promises to every circumstance.
If, like Psalm 139 says, every day was written before it came to be, I must have - we must have - exactly what each day requires of us.
What we could not see, God saw perfectly.
I’m striving to prove myself worthy of a purpose He already specifically designed me for.
He has already given me what I’m trying to earn, what I think will silence the low-grade hum of insecurity quieted by the ever-closed door.
Insecurity holds power as long as the door stays closed.
Death held power as long as the tomb stayed sealed.
“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in…”
When Jesus first knocked on the door of your heart, He wasn’t asking to see the rooms you thought were ready to be seen. He wanted to see every room. Every mess. All the clutter.
He doesn’t force His way in.
He waits for you to open the door - every door.
His voice may be muffled by the words of the past, but His desire for you is thread through every layer of your present and future.
The Enemy knows your name, but calls you by your insecurities.
Jesus knows your insecurities, but calls you by name to come rest in Him.
So when the insecurities tell me to hide - I’ve learned how to keep walking, sometimes crawling, instead of numbing.
The first conversation happens with the One who makes me worthy. Are the words that feel true actually Truth? Would Jesus ever speak these words over me?
The second conversation happens with the people God has intentionally put in my life, many from that first college group, who pull me deeper. They are allowed to call out what is withering and call up what is growing.
There is one thing required in both conversations, though. Your ability to move forward hinges on it: Honesty. Letting Him and those He’s put closest to you see the mess you’ve been guarding.
Jesus said if we - if you, if I - open the door, He will come in.
That’s the beautiful reciprocity of God.
Draw near to me, I will draw near to you.
Return to me, I will return to you.
Abide in me, I will abide in you.
Open the door, I will come in.
And in the quiet moments, when I am alone,
I borrow the last words David wrote in Psalm 139:
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
What To Ignore
Your stove.
Okay, admittedly, that’s a bold move. And I understand many of us already went through the phase I’m currently in, probably within the “let’s bake bread” phase of the pandemic. (Seriously, do you remember how many people were baking bread while talking about Tiger King?!)
I’m not baking bread, but I am firing up the air fryer almost every night at the Holland household. To be fair, I used the stove once, too. Below are my favorite recipes of the week - tried and proven.
I also used Mesquite seasoning one night when I was feeling crazy. Toss green beans in the air fryer, too, and you’ve got yourself a full meal.
Full disclosure: we did not have garlic so it was more just Honey Hot Chicken around here.
And my favorite of the week: BBQ Chicken Pan Dinner
I made that title up. Descriptive, eh? I saw the recipe on TikTok and it was so good.
Ingredients
Pulled BBQ Chicken or Pork (I used the pre-made variety, right by the trusty ol Lunchables)
Two cans of crescent rolls
2 Tbs Butter
Garlic Salt (to taste)
Pepper (to taste)
Instructions
Preheat to temperature on crescent roll can
Spray nonstick oil on the bottom of 9x13 dish
Spread out crescent rolls as a sheet on the bottom
Melt butter + add garlic salt and pepper
Brush butter mixture onto flat crescent rolls
Spread chicken on top of the crescent rolls
Add the second sheet of crescent rolls
Brush butter mixture on top
Cook according the crescent roll can
I want to eat that meal every week now. Somehow the ignore section has become the try section and I can’t be sure how we got here. But, carry on.
What To Try
I was influenced. I admit it, okay? Someone on the world wide web (aka Instagram) said I should get it - and I did. There was a sale going on and I have very real internal debate when there’s a sale. But as my husband says, “Just because it’s on sale doesn’t mean you have to buy it.”
Okay, yes.
But I got it anyway.
The Laneige Lip Sleeping Mask. Now, before you think I’m impulsive, I’ve heard a lot from others who had already added this to their 47 step p.m. skincare routine. And my lips used to get chapped clear up to my nostrils. I read reviews and compared prices. Did I mention it was on sale? Chalk that up for research.
I don’t know that I can advise you to try it just yet, being that I’ve used it a grand total of one time. But, it smells great and is pretty to look at so the pro column is really getting stacked.
Will report back. I’m sure you’ll be on the edge of your seat until I do.
Hey, my greatest desire - with every send - is that you’re better for reading this. Or maybe lighter? Happier? Aware that we’re running side-by-side, not alone…never alone. It’s currently 11:19 p.m. and I’m fading fast. Cheering for you wildly over here…maybe just with my eyes drooping a bit, you know?
Man, this was good. The best yet🙌🏼