There's a lot of restlessness rustling around in 20-40 year-old women. (Did I use rustling correctly there? I don’t know that I’ve ever actually used that word in any setting other than this very moment so let’s give it a whirl.)
Almost all of my conversations with women in their 20's and 30's have been rooted in this low-grade, humming *something* in the background. I looked up the word “restless” and here’s what it means:
restless /ˈres(t)ləs/ (adjective)
unable to rest or relax as a result of anxiety or boredom
or
offering no physical or emotional rest; involving constant activity or motion
Weirdly, both of those definitions fit whatever this is that seems to be stirring.
Maybe you're restless in your job and wondering if you should leave. Maybe you're restless in your relationships, your various roles in life or maybe you're having trouble pinpointing exactly where it's coming from, but you find yourself unable to fully let go of the tension you're carrying in your shoulders.
Some handle the restlessness with a short fuse, constant comparison, growing bitterness, isolating or numbing with streaming your comfort shows and scrolling your comfort apps (newsflash - that only add to your restlessness).
Waiting for it to magically disappear is flat out exhausting. I’m familiar with that kind of exhaustion. I, personally, find myself turning to Cinnamon Toast Crunch to navigate the emotions, but have found that practice to be avoidant rather than the sugar-milk magic fix-it-all elixir I tell myself it is.
If not the CTC, then my next step is to gather as much information as possible. If I just know more, I'd be better equipped to calm the heck down, you know? I listen to every podcast I can find, dig into Scripture, get my hands on all the how-to/self-help books, ask friends for advice because thinking about it by myself for one more second makes me want to explode.
And I still can’t always stop the spoon from stirring up my pot of contentment.
Do you know what I struggle with the MOST in those seasons? Well, you're about to…
I can’t always figure out the difference between my feelings guiding a decision and the Holy Spirit guiding a decision. Can I get an amen?!
But, in hindsight, here's what I know and never doubt:
Our feelings are whims. They change from day-to-day.
The Holy Spirit does not lead in whims. He does not change day-to-day.
The Holy Spirit is consistent. When you're doing your best to walk in step with the Spirit, what you're being stirred up to do will not change based on the kind of day you have.
I knew I had to quit my job because it had become an idol, eliminating any and all margin in my life (from my own doing) and I just ultimately didn't like who I was anymore when I got home.
On really good days, I would come home and tell Ryan that I was just going to go part-time. But in those moments, when I would sit with my new plan, I kid you not, the Holy Spirit would start stirring up that restlessness again.
Because partial obedience is still disobedience.
Whatever the Holy Spirit is stirring in you right now that's making you feel restless? It will consistently come to mind.
It will be the conclusion you come to every time you have a conversation about it with someone who loves Jesus and loves you.
Your feelings can complicate what the Holy Spirit is trying to make clear.
But they’re not all wrong - they're just not the only part of the equation. Learning to understand where feelings come from leads to better understanding what to do with them.
Quieting the restlessness could require a move of obedience.
Which leads me to my next big lesson...
In my experience, personally and with others, restlessness could mean you're not functioning in your gifting or there's an aspect of your gifting not being used.
That doesn't mean quit whatever you're doing and go only do what you're most gifted at doing. Jobs like that are rare. (Like really rare.)
We all have to function outside of what we're gifted at in some area and that's a growth point.
But what I'm saying is, if you’re super restless, you are probably not doing what you were specifically designed to do.
At my most restless, I realized I was never with people outside of my own tight circle anymore. I wasn't ever pouring personally into anyone, I wasn't creating anything just for the fun of creating - everything I did had become pressurized and results driven. If there wasn't a tangible result or affirmation waiting for me on the other side - I just didn't do it.
Do you have something you really love to do - but you’re not doing it? It's probably something you're actually good at, something people have commented you're good at doing in the past, something that makes you excited.
Why aren't you doing that thing?
Not necessarily as a job, but when you get some time (to cook the meal, send the text, write the card, have the coffee, lead the group) - do you struggle to muster up the energy? Or are you afraid of what someone might think?
There are two requirements for functioning in your gifting: Margin + Confidence
When you lose all margin in your life, fixating only on survival, you'll feel empty, tired and a mixture of anxious/sad/mad.
No one is going to come to you and say, “Hey, let me give you some margin.”
You have to know when you need it and make the adjustments to get it.
There's a pattern - the best employees get more work. I learned something fast when leading teams - energy management matters more than time management.
A couple years ago, I did my first set of official employee reviews. There was one person on my team that was stinking phenomenal. I never - like literally never - had to worry about if she was going to get the job done and if it was going to be quality work. She was one that you could mention something to and not have to re-visit it again. A unicorn employee, if you will.
She managed her time well, was always where she was supposed to be, doing what was expected of her...and usually beyond.
BUT the way she worked impacted her energy. She would pour out until she hit a wall and while the wall didn't impact the quality of her work, it would impact how she delivered her work from time to time. As a leader, I had to recognize that to protect the level she was working at, she didn't need me to help her manage her time - she needed help managing her energy.
In her review, I remember saying, "Hey, if you wake up in the morning and the very last place you want to be is here...don't be here. Take a slower morning, work from somewhere else. Do what you need to do to reset."
She had earned the right to that kind of flexibility. Her character, integrity and work performance meant that I could say that with zero fear that she would take advantage of it or abuse it.
Leaders,
Know your people. Prioritize the people over the product. If you don't, it's not just the people who will suffer - it's the product, too. If you see gifted employees struggling, take the time to figure out what kind of margin they need. See the person before you see what they can produce for you.
Empathy is a leadership superpower.
And a quick word about confidence.
If you lack confidence in what you're doing, I would venture a guess you're tying that confidence to someone or something outside of Jesus.
No one else built you to do what you're doing. Some may have encouraged you or equipped you, but no one else gave you the ability, the passion or the mind/heart it takes to do it. That came straight from your Creator.
You can run your race because Jesus laid it out for you, not because anyone else marked the course. You can run hard because His provision always follows His call.
Let me be clear about something I wish I'd learned so much sooner…
You don't need permission to function in your gifting.
If you didn't worry about what anyone would say or think...
What would you really love to do?
What would make you so excited?
What opportunity would you jump at?
How can you exercise your gifts in a new way?
I want to run laps when I think about the Kingdom potential if we spent more time living in obedience and less time waiting for someone to tell us we're allowed to.
If the Holy Spirit has stirred your heart to do something, and you're pumping the brakes out of fear...
I have a feeling maybe you're allowing someone's opinion to carry more weight than obedience. Maybe you care more what someone might think than what God is saying? Maybe you fear man more than you fear God?
People pleasing is literally saying - I would rather please this person than please my Creator.
Stop living paralyzed. Start moving in obedience.
What can you do that stirs your soul? Start a small group? Start a small business? Open your home to neighbors? Share with others what you've learned so far?
Don't wait for permission or a platform, move in obedience and see what happens.
Hear more, and get some practical tips for moving toward your gifting:
What I’m Into Lately
Yeah, we’ve strayed from our previous format, but that won’t stop me from telling you what I’ve loved lately…
Shew. This was a little long-winded. But no one ever accused me of being short-winded.
If it encouraged you, I would be so so grateful if you shared it! Like, really grateful. I would even share my Cinnamon Toast Crunch with you.